Tuesday, October 31, 2006

 

I Really Like Nuts

I periodically go through…let’s just call them “phases”. During these phases, I resolve to become thinner and healthier.

1. I buy all new vitamins. Most of my new vitamins are both foul smelling and the size of horse tranquilizers. At the same time, they are usually expensive as they are “organic” and “food-based” and “targeted at stupid people on health-kicks”. These vitamins will make me nauseated for 3 to 4 weeks. At that point, I will stash them in a cabinet until they expire or it is time to buy new ones…whichever comes first.


2. I will do what I like to refer to as “cross-training”. I will go to the gym every day for about 4 days. At the gym, I will do 45 minutes to an hour of cardio followed by weights and abs. Then, I will stretch…oh, how I will stretch. I will feel virtuous and go to bed early. On or about the fourth day, I will get cranky and/or have a really bad day. I will remind myself that “no one is paying me to be thin” and “damn it I want a glass of red wine”. I will go directly home (Do not pass the gym. Do not burn 200 calories.) and open a bottle of wine. One bottle of wine, half a pack of cigarettes, some dark chocolate and a frozen pizza later, I will feel guilty and crawl off to bed. The next morning, I will resolve to never, ever be so gluttonous again and vow to go to the gym. At least for 4 days…


3. Just to spice things up, I will decide to try a new diet or institute some major dietary restrictions. If I can fulfill both criteria – hey, that’s just a bonus. Most recently, I embarked on a “Raw Food” diet. This involves lots of produce and sprouts, raw seeds and nuts, and stuff that is put in a dehydrator. Obviously, I am not doing this diet/lifestyle justice. Then again, that’s not my job. What’s important is that I get to say things like “I eat a lot of nut cheese” in a car full of my colleagues. Oh yeah, good times. Even better is when they calm down enough to ask how one makes nut cheese, and I tell them about the “nut milk bag”. Needless to say, I had steak for dinner that night.

So, this is just to warn you that I’m in a “phase” right now. I went to the gym today, I’m in bed before 11pm, and I’d take the vitamins if I wasn’t so full of benadryl (yes, the fucking hives are still lurking). But no nut cheese this time. I mean, a girl has to have some self-respect.

Comments:
Raw food wouldn't be so offensive if it didn't try so hard to act like real food. "Lasagna" made of paper thin zucchini slices with raw tomato sauce and nut cheese...come on. Just admit it is all basically a big salad and start chewing.

That being said, I ate at a pretty good raw food place called Leaf in Culver City the other day. Wraps and salads.

And your falling off the wagon food - red wine, chocolate, frozen pizza -? That is my diet ever day LOL.
 
Um. Sick. Nut cheese? Really?

Funny, though. I am still impressed by your "make self better" abilities.

Good luck with your new vitamins!
 
I do the same thing. I just spent a fortune of new vitamins etc a week ago and they are still sitting unopened on my counter.
 
I'm trying to cut wheat and gluten out of my diet. It works when I work at it; then my daughter turns her back and I'm left eating the baguette all by myself. :)
 
SueBob-There's a pretty good raw food restaurant down here called "Cilantro". I actually don't mind the lasagna. It's anything from a dehydrator masquerading as bread that gets me.

Princess-The cheese itself is actually not bad. But if one more of my male colleagues ask me if I prefer my nut cheese fresh or aged, I might have to kick them in the nut milk bag.

Kranki-The Zinc, B12 and blue green algae I remember to take from time to time. It's the calcium and multivitamins that smell bad and sometimes cause nausea. Needless to say, they are frequently "forgotten".

Chantal-Just remember, whoever said "cheaters never prosper" had probably just been screwed out of something and was just bitter.
 
Mmmmm, steak! Screw the raw food diet. Although, technically, if you take your steak rare, you're complying with that diet's guidelines!
 
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