Friday, September 29, 2006

 

IsThere A Pro Shuffleboard Tour?

Tonight, as I was driving home across the bridge, I noticed the moon. It was just larger than a quarter moon. The kind and size of moon that should have an illustrated face. The kind of moon with a cow sitting on it while cutlery got up to some no-good shenanigans in some twisted version of “Hey-diddle-diddle”. The moon was stunningly beautiful, and it was all the more noticeable due to its recent absence. (It’s been REALLY dark here at night – just work with me on this one.)

The real reason I was able to appreciate the moon, however, was because I was ensconced in the quiet, climate-controlled luxury of a Toyota Avalon. Yes, that’s right. I own a 4-door sedan. It is my very first "adult" car. Unless you count my first car (a 2-door 1982 Toyota Corolla with well over 100,000 miles on it when I took possession) as a mature choice. And o.k., o.k. There was that one regrettable period with a Volvo station wagon during which all my friends would clamor, “Hey, mom! Mom! Can we get ice cream after soccer practice?” whenever I was the designated driver. But other than that, all my cars have had off-road potential and some level of "indie cred". I NEVER THOUGHT I’D OWN A SEDAN!

Of all the cars I’ve loved before, the last one – a Jeep Wrangler – fit me best. The top was rarely up on it (and yes, I got rained on countless times). I’d drive it into work with a fleece jacket and a ski cap on, stereo blaring GnR. I’d drive home in a t-shirt with my hair flying everywhere, Godsmack blaring. It went 4wheeling in 29 Palms, the Mojave desert, and a few other places it probably wasn;t invited, with Lynnard Skynnard blaring. I was Little Miss HotShit with my hair on fire. Then, I spent 3 winter months in Seattle and drove back and forth up the I-5 in said Jeep – a vehicle not well suited to long distance travel and/or rainy climates. Shortly after I arrived back in San Diego, I was at the Toyota dealership demanding a car with a trunk in which I could leave my golf clubs. Enter the Avalon.

I still miss the Jeep. But it was new. It lacked character that can only be earned with some serious mileage. I realized I don’t need a Jeep that costs a shit-ton of money and has less miles on it than I do. What I need is an old $2000 Jeep and a cute guy who can fix it with some antifreeze and a roll of duct tape.

Monday, September 18, 2006

 

Happy Birthday, Amanda B.!

CLARIFICATION: These are all honest to goodness quotes I received via e-mail in honor of Amanda B. O.K. O.K. The goat quote I made up. So sue me.


Quotes in honor of your birthday...

“Well, I hope you don't smoke pork fat cause I think that increases the health hazard by a factor of at least 2...”

“I have a feeling that Amanda would LOVE to see someone grease themselves up and ride an electric bull. But there isn't one in my area, so I'm leaving this idea open to others. Bucky?”

“Hold your left leg and right arm up in the air, put your right foot on the red dot and your left hand on the goat…”

...Happy quotes for Miss Amanda B. on her very most happiest of birthdays. Somewhere, there is a youtube video of a talking chicken that can play tic-tac-toe squawking “Fascists suck!”. I just can’t seem to get it posted.


Saturday, September 16, 2006

 

MUST, MUST, MUST!

You absolutely MUST go check out Natalie Dee today. The link is at the left. I would tell you this is not "airport safe", but everyone in the bar just turned around when I laughed loudly while spewing bloody mary everywhere. I'm a giver.

ADDENDUM: For those of you who are reading via bloglines, etc...For those of you, like me, who can't figure out the links on the left...for those of you just to f'in lazy to go there...Here's the link. AWESOME NATALIE DEE

 

On the Road Again

I once again find myself in an airport. This time, in an effort to avoid panic attacks and awkward moments (see below), I am beginning this trip in the airport bar with a Bloody Mary. In fact, make mine a double. I didn't even have to ask. I must have had that - "Look, I have just finished a week long marathon of non-stop family who commented on every sip of alcohol I consumed and every moment I spent on the internet and I need some motherf'in booze this instant" - look on my face because when I ordered, the waitress immediately half-asked/half-stated, "double for two dollars more". To which I emphatically replied,"YES! Can I start a tab?" And the rushed, run-on, pressured feeling of this last paragraph is exactly how my thoughts are racing so be glad you're not actually sitting next to me making the mistake of saying, "Nice day, isn't it?"

We used to say that my mother liked to arrive at the airport before the terrorists. This, understandably, is no longer so funny. So let's just say that I'm here at RDU more than 2 hours before my flight leaves. A short connector to Atlanta leaves me with a 4 hour layover there. Clearly, I did not book this flight. At any rate, if you have my number and feel like giving me a call, I have lots of spare time. You can even put your dog/kid/imaginary friend on the phone and have me say, "Hi!". Then you can tell me how fuckin' funny it is when they look at the phone all confused but don't make any noise. Glad to make you happy while I waste some wireless minutes.

On second thought, maybe you better let me get this first drink down first. I sound like one cranky bitch.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

 

Awkward Moments in Air Travel

Following a tortuous overnight flight to the East Coast, a curly-headed blonde consumes a giant black coffee in an effort to re-energize. Four clues into Friday’s NYTimes crossword puzzle, she falls asleep with her computer open in her lap. Awakening an unknown amount of time later (during which time she is sure she has been mouth breathing), she finds herself and a strange, staring man the only non-employees left at the gate. “They’re making the last call for boarding. I was going to wake you.” “Um, yeah. Thanks.”

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

 

Dude, Where's My G-mail?

What just happened? I go out of town for a week and my internet-connectedness falls apart (surprisingly, with no overt help from me this time). I returned from a leisurely yet smoke-filled game of Bingo at the local Moose Lodge only to find my g-mail inbox totally empty. I don't mean there were no NEW e-mails (which-if there weren't-shame on all of you...Stampy's need love, too). I mean the entire box was GONE. The sent mail box is untouched. The trash is filled with messages that I ACTUALLY deleted. The rest? GONE! GONE, I tell you. So if you wrote to me today, please resend it. And if you didn't? Pretend that you did and send me some mail. I'll be none the wiser.

p.s. Having a grand old time in North Carolina. Have turned trip into a kind of white-trash adventure vacation. Think "The SPA at Dollywood" only with much less cleavage.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

 

Fire Marshal Stampy

Tomorrow night, I leave on a red-eye flight to the East Coast to visit the famdam. And now is as good a time as any to introduce a new feature here at StampyDurst - my weekly safety briefing. We live in dangerous times, people. And I'd like to do my part to make your day a little less anxiety-ridden. To that end, neither I nor Brittany Spears will be flying with Cheez-Wiz this weekend.

So if you have a business trip or family comittment to attend to, this is your weekend. I can't promise anything for the return trip. I've got a box of Ritz crackers just begging for some company.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

 

Achewood ROCKS!

If you are not already a fan of the most awesome online... Oh hell, I'm so uncool I don't know what to call it - "'zine"? "comic strip"? "graphic novel"? Fuck it! If you're not a fan of Achewood, you should be. (Please see link to left. I'm too tired to figure out the computer-ese to link it.) You must check out the strip from today - September 5 - on the saddest thing ever. If Chris Onstaad was not already married with a child, I would definitely make one of my weirder friends stalk him.

p.s. If you like today's strip, go back a few to the "insult-o-rama" strip. Still crying inside over that one.
p.p.s. If I ever really get some stones and start posting what I really think, I might have to ask if I can use "no limits, no knuckles" as my new site address.

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