Friday, March 10, 2006
Reasons I'm Glad I'm Not Famous
2. Did not go through the awkward teenage years on national television (with braces and unfashionable haircuts Chelsea Clinton)
3. Hooch will never be kidnapped for money or publicity (Paris Hilton’s toy rat with a necklace)
4. Can gain weight and lose it without it being chronicled in People, In-Style, The National Enquirer (Too many starlets to mention – but let’s be honest and say there would be more speculation over whether I was pregnant than whether I was anorexic)
5. Will never appear on The Surreal Life, Dancing/Skating With the Stars, VH1’s What Ever Happened To…, or an infomercial for exercise equipment or acne treatment (I wonder which really let’s you know you “jumped the shark”)
6. If I ever decide to knock over a convenience store, pick up a transvestite hooker, or marry a Brady, it will only make the local news
7. When my ex-boyfriends meet someone new, get engaged, or are in a video with Christian rockers getting blowjobs, I’ll hear about it from my friends…not Entertainment Tonight.
8. That video I made with the swing chair, Tommy Lee, and the German Shepard will never be sold on the internet. (Totally kidding.)
9. Will never inflict my fashion sense (or utter lack thereof) on the world (especially at k-mart, walmart, sears, or the Grammys)
10. My frequent affairs with Greek heirs and hoteliers will be my secret alone. But you can bet your ass that when Keanu finally realizes that I’m the woman he’s been waiting for, I’ll rub your noses in it. (Eat your hearts out, ladies.)
I reserve the right to get bad hair extensions, apply bad fake-tans, and date a dancer who tours with me. But I promise you I won't let him rap in public. Oh yeah, and set your DVR or Tivo recorder for “America’s Next Miserable Surgical Resident” and “Farting with the Boxers”. Maybe I’ll enjoy being famous after all.