Friday, February 10, 2006


Losing It In Canyonville, Oregon

NOTE: This post is from yesterday, 9 Feb 2006 but I fell asleep before posting it. Was just going to erase it, but I'm back in the same mental place and can't sleep so WTF.

When left to my own devices for too long, especially too long without alcohol, I begin to look at my life, my thighs, my diet with a high power microscope. I am sitting here in a Best Western in rural Oregon just a short shuttle ride to an Indian casino waiting for Ben Affleck to come banging on the door asking for protection from Charlize Theron (or was I the only one who saw that piece of shit?). Barring young Hollywood knocking down my door, I’ve decided to have a small nervous breakdown of the “Stampy Sucks” variety. Trust me, these get started and they take on a life of their own.

The first thing I am ashamed of is that I’m about to complain about my weight and my body self-image at a time when so many other strong women on the net are saying they are o.k. with themselves and have pushed unrealistic ideals to the side. Let me make it clear – I AM NOT O.K. WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW. This 30#s I’ve gained in the last 3 years makes me feel off balance, clothes don’t fit, I’m self-conscious in yoga. At the same time, it is all I can do to feed the dog and pick up take-out most days. There is a mantra in trauma surgical training - eat when you can, sleep when you can. Well, i haven't been getting much sleep, but I seem to keep finding the food. While I worked out some in Seattle, all it took was a bad week of call and a couple beers to make me feel like a big, unhealthy lump again.

This has all served to make me generally uncomfortable in my skin. When I wear jeans, I am now that person that people always want to tell that they are 5 years and 15 pounds past belonging in those low riders. No matter what I’m wearing, I fuss with it. I’ve begun to worry about hair, make-up, and jewelry (all so not my thing – a silver bangle and some mascara is a fancy night out) to draw attention away from everything else. Not that any guys have been begging to take me out, but I cry when I think of someone seeing me naked. Not real romantic, eh. While I used to have trouble keeping my clothes on (wait - that didn't come out right - but you get the idea) now I roam the locker room in the gym draped in towels. I towel off inside the shower, I shimmy my jeans on under the towel, I always have a sweatshirt tied around my waist.…aw screw it…i’m taking an Ambien and going to sleep.

Hang in there...we all go through these times of "self image" crisis.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?