Tuesday, November 01, 2005

 

Welcome To My World 101

1. I'm new to this whole blogging thing (no, you don't say.) I'm sure my meager computer skills will soon give me away. However, I've been a long time lurker of some very talented bloggers and I aspire to make you all proud.

2. I'm single and straight, but not judgemental of anyone elses choices.

3. I really like wine. In fact, I'm drinking right now and probably will be when I make a lot of my posts.

4. I tend to like animals more than people. Nothing personal. I just consider children and animals the true innocents. (I exponentially prefer dogs to children).

5. Why "Stampy"? It was a nickname given to me by my ex-boyfriend. It's the best thing he left me (close runner-ups are the fly-fishing rod, the snowboard, and the wine fridge).

6. Why "Durst"? I used to own a red baseball cap that was my absolute favorite to run in. My last dog chewed it to shreds, unfortunately. Anyway, that was when the limp bizkit song with "now this red hat gets a rap from his critics" was out and I used to make "Fear of a Red Hat" jokes. Oh well, it seemed funny at the time.

7. My favorite joke: Why do chicken coops have 2 doors

8. My favorite answer: Because if they had 4 doors they'd be chicken sedans.

9. I'm laughing even now.

10. I don't approve of light beer. Why not just drink half a real beer?

11. Half Irish/Half Italian.

12. This adds up to a wicked temper, a high tolerance, and a susceptibility to maternal guilt that the cdc should study.

13. I have a boxer named "Hooch".

14. No. He's not named after the movie. If you look up "hooch" in the OED, it's listed as "spirits (alcohol) of questionable provenance" which seems to fit him just dandy.

15. He's allowed on the furniture and he sleeps in the bed.

16. When I was little, i really wanted to be an archaeologist. Blame King Tut.

17. Since then, i've wanted to be a stockbroker, a lawyer, a dancer, an animator, an architect, a bartender, a chef, a hotelier, a museum curator, a vineyard owner, a winemaker, a yoga instructor, a cheerleader for a professional football team (hey, a girl's gotta dream), a politician (trust me, with my chest this is more realistic than cheerleader), a graphic artist, a professional activist for Amnesty, a professional sailor, or somebody who gets paid (lots) to be drunk and charming at fabulous parties.

18. I ended up an orthopedic surgeon.

19. Don't ask me how. Blame it on Glenfiddich and Charlie's Angels reruns.

20. I grew up on the original star trek and Captain Kirk. I've hated any incarnation of Star Trek since.

21. Hate my thighs.

22. Have big ears.

23. I work with all men. There are over 30 resident and attending surgeons in my department and they are all men.

24. I have, unfortunately, adapted. I burp in public. I claim my own farts. I can have entire conversations in quotes from Will Ferrell movies, Ben Stiller movies, and the Austin Power trilogy. Oh yeah, don't forget Office Space. I'm gonna need you to work on Saturday.

25. In keeping with this, I found a peanut m&m on my kitchen floor last week (date of origin unknown) and ate it.

26. Of course I smelled it first.

27. I don't usually wear makeup but I buy alot of it once a year. They convince me at the department store that I look REALLY good. Then I get it home. When I put it on, I just look like a whore. Usually end up washing it all off and going out in mascara and lip gloss. Oh yeah, and clothes.

28. Used to trust people very easily. However, it only took one time to screw me over and there was no redeeming it.

29. Many hurts later, I have become very suspicious.

30. I am a very happy only child.

31. When I was 3 or 4, my parents asked me if I wanted a little brother or sister. I replied, "no thanks, i'd like a cat instead".

32. This still haunts me. I got the cat. Should have dreamed big and asked for a dog.

33. All my dogs have always been maladjusted wingnuts. Sometimes you have to ask, did i pick them that way or make them that way?

34. All my boyfriends have been maladjusted wingnuts. I accept no responsibility on that one.

35. All my dogs have been rescue dogs. "Don't breed or buy while shelter pets die".

36. No tie in with the boyfriends. Keep all comments on this one to yourself.

37. I am clinically depressed. The days start out well but afternoon/evening is hell. I highly recommend William Styron's "Darkness Visible" if you want to understand how out of someones control this can be.

38. I grew up in Alabama.

39. My parents are both from the northeast.

40. If you have a southern accent or i've been drinking, my accent comes out. Otherwise, I got so tired of saying "y'all" for people that I can fake it all the time.

41. If I'm really tired and pissed off, I've been known to scream "y'all quit" and then leave the or with my ears turning bright red.

42. I have no problem with blood and guts, but snot and loogies (sp?) disgust me.

43. The best part about being one of the rare women in my field is that there is never a line for the ladies room at meetings/conferences.

44. Even better, there's always a long line for the mens room.

45. The worst part is that despite wearing a giant nametag that ends in md, people still assume I'm one of the reps (or someone's nurse, or someone's wife).

46. Very eclectic musically...When I'm home in the South or it's a warm day out here, I listen to country music (older stuff and country punk). When I'm doing a big nailing case in the or, I prefer metal (gnr or metallica), if I'm in a bad mood in the car I listen to alt rock/metal (drowning pool), on Sundays when I have time to read the NYTimes I listen to endless hours of old blue eyes (Frank Sinatra for you philistines - and yes, I know the philistines were quite advanced but I couldn't think of a better word).

47. I don't have any tattoos but no through lack of trying. When I was in grad school, my roommate and I went to get them. Apparently you needed an appointment. It didn't seem like such a good idea at our week later appt. time. At the time, I was going to get this Chilean voodoo cat with a skull head (doing third world studies at the time). Then, several years later, I wanted the dancing skeleton from the social d albums with the mexican hat, martini glass, and cigarette. Didn't have enough money. Since then, I've just spent time trying to pick out a design I won't hate and a location that won't turn to fat. Currently I'm torn between a horseshoe on my lower back with a banner reading "good luck" or a heart on my hip with a banner reading "your name here". Comments welcome on this one.

48. I've dated scientists, fellow surgeons, motorcycle mechanics, bartenders, construction workers, and a guy who did lighting for rock bands. They've all failed in the most dramatic fashion.

49. Guys always want to change me. They love that I'm one of the guys that can drink them under the table at first. Then, they want me to quit my job and have their children. Game over.

50. My mother used to tell me it was because I was intimidating.

51. I told her, "Bullshit". This is what all mothers say to their lonely daughters with jobs.

52. My last 3 boyfriends told me I was "too intimidating".

53. There's no fucking way I'll ever tell her she might be right. Talk about opening a pandora's box.

54. I don't want to have children. Never have. People always tell me..."Wait til your 25 (28, 30, 32). Still waiting. No stirrings of maternal instincts or biological clock.

55. I sing along with every song I know in the car.

56. I think I sound damn good.

57. Keep your critiques to yourself.

58. I once fell instantly in love with this friend I was giving a ride to who told me I had a great voice and should really be in a band. Needless to say, I'm sure he was tone deaf and his love of light beer precluded any type of hook up.

59. I can cook like a mo-fo. Several friends have offered to finance a catering operation.

60. They soon realize how disorganized I am and how drunk I get when I cook.

61. They still invite me to host dinner parties at their houses all the time.

62. I was into Australian wines before they were hot. (it's not bragging - I had an Australian boyfriend at the time and we used to get the lower end stuff for 3 or 4 bucks at Trader Joes)

63. My favorite gift from a boyfriend ever was a chef's knife.

64. I am like a petulant child. If you tell me you are going to do something, I remember it. If you say we're getting ice cream, I'll go to bed that evening pissed we never got ice cream. (Obviously I don't really mean ice cream...unless, of course, that's what you promised me). Just follow through dammit.

65. I hate internal inconsistency.

66. This has made life one constant guilt trip for me. I was a vegan for years but still wore leather shoes. There are many more examples but I'll wait till I trust the internet more to share.

67. I hate people who dress their pets in sweaters, coats, or booties.

68. My favorite time of year is Dooce's annual Chuck at Halloween posting. This year, also cried laughing over Pete's costumes at Marit's site, Yoshi as sumo and Madonna at Von Krankipantzens site, and others. Damn that internal incosnsistency thing again.

69. Pet peeve: Here in California, when they play songs on the radio that have cusswords or something objectionable in them, they put in sound effects or blur it. In the Everlast song "What it's like", you can shoot people, do drugs, etc. but they blank it out when "she" wants to cut something off or when they call "her" a "whore". In the song by sublime or long beach dub allstars "date rape", the whole rape thing is okay, but they bleep it out when they say "he takes it up the behind". This reminds me of when Letterman couldn't say "pants".

70. I cuss like the proverbial sailor.

71. I spit on the sidewalk when I'm running.

72. Despite all of this, I cannot tolerate white pants or shoes after labor day or before memorial day. Blame it on my southern upbringing.

73. I can cut people open and sew them back up, but I still won't call a boy first. I will call him back. i apologize to all the southern women who have come before me for this faux pas.

74. When I was a child, I had the most amazing green thumb. I could drop seeds in sand and they would bear fruit. The only things that currently survive my ministrations are jade plant and a rather anemic rosemary topiary. I kill all other herbs and flowers with a combination of benign neglect and overzealous watering (the gardening equivalent of make-up sex)

75. I love alone time.

76. Don't even try to talk to me when I'm reading.

77. That being said, I'm terribly lonely right now.

78. There goes that internal inconsistency thing again.

79. I love British humor - Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, BlackAdder.

80. I'm not that taken with Mr. Bean. Please, Rowan Atkinson, back to less pathetic characters.

81. When I was a child, I loved to fly. We lived far away from family and I collected more than my fair share of plastic pilots wings and decks of cards.

82. Now, I have developed plane-specific claustrophobia. Stuck on the tarmac without the ac on...shoot me.

83. If there are 198 passengers under 200 lbs. and 2 over 400 lbs, they will be sitting on either side of me.

84. One of them will puke or have gas.

85. They will still eat the airplane meal.

86. I think airplane flights should still provide playing cards. I have no moral, economic, or social leg to stand on...I just always liked it.

87. I have a huge belly-button phobia. Don't touch it. Don't poke it. No really, this isn't a joke. I've cold-cocked people for less. REALLY. Just stay the fuck away from it. No really. It is not a hidden erogenous zone. Why do men have such a hard time with this.

88. I am terrified of slides and hills. There is no rational explanation for this. 4 foot tall playground slides or 4 story water slides. I have to be kicked down from the top.

89. This translates, unfortunately, to snowboarding. If I can't see where I'm going (i.e. a whiteout condition) I've ridden single black diamonds at Jackson Hole. When the clouds cleared, I couldn't even get off the lift.

90. Please refer back to the "i grew up in alabama" and realize that I began snowboarding at 30 yo.

91. In Alabama, skiing involves a boat, a rope, and (hopefully) a bathing suit.

92. People who tell you it hurts more to fall on water than it does on snow are f'in liars.

93. Oh, yes you are.

94. Nutella is the most awesome snackfood in the world. Eat it with a spoon. Put in on warm bread or bagels. Trust me.

95. I transitioned from regular underwear to thongs when I realized that it really didn't matter. It was all going to end up riding up your ass anyway.

96. Thongs, while sexy, were also uncomfortable. I highly espouse commando now.

97. Unless, or course, you have to wear polyester. No ones bits like polyester.

98. When my friend and I dress up as trailer trash (this comes up more frequently than one might think) her code name is Ruby and mine is Jolene. Unless you've met Jolene before. Then, actually, my name is Delta Dawn.

99. Delta Dawn is the first song I knew most of the words to. There is a tape recording of me singing it. I still sing it sometimes. not when anyone can here of course.

100. There is also a tape of me trying to teach a too young Mary Kate Grady to read. If you should ever read this Mary Kate, I apologize. I was real bitch. Even at 4, I had problems with authority.

101. Internet and Blogspot, welcome to Stampy.

Comments:
This is the only 100-things-about-me post I've ever made it through.

You are F*U*N*N*Y.

BTW ditto on 55 and I have trailer trash code names with my friend Smug Elle (Cherry and Missy)... we also have airplane names (Sarah De La Guardia and Shannon Dulles) and boy-ambiguous boy names (Alex and Mike - short for mikela of course).
 
Thanks Hanni. My mama says I'm funny, too. She also said I looked good in gauchos, so I take that with a grain of salt.
 
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