Wednesday, November 09, 2005



Things I found out today that left my mouth agape and a trickle of dumbfounded drool coming out of the corner of my mouth...
(Attractive, huh? - I'll try and pick my nose or something in my next post).

1. Paris Hilton has "fans". Apparently, she was seen with bruises which are attributed to said "fans" rushing her and trying to touch her. What did she do to get "fans"? (Sorry, I'm always going to have to put the quotes up to qualify that one). Also, one of her bodyguards pointed out that she bruises easily because she's sooo thin. Here's a tip Paris - try eating solid food.

2. Kate Hudson is suing a bunch of papers and magazines for publishing pictures that make her look "too thin". No, really. I hearby solemnly promise that if anyone can find pictures of me looking "too thin", you may publish them for the world to see without any fear of repurcussion. What a skinny little problem which must be so tedious to have. Once again, eating might be the answer.

3. Two cheerleaders from a professional football team were arrested at an away game after starting a barbrawl. It seems they were having sex - with each other - in what I'm sure was a very romantic public toilet at the bar. Some inconsiderate patron who had to piss like a racehorse banged on the door. One of the girls started throwing bitchslaps while the others resisted arrest. Even better, one of the girls was originally misidentified (publicly) when she lied about her name and produced the license of a fellow cheerleader who presumably was not present. I'm gonna guess that friendship is gonna take a hit.

4. Finally, someone resembling me was spotted playing skee ball and singing along with rodents in a pizza place Monday night. There were lots of children present and this person who looked like me was drinking a light beer (father, forgive them. they know exactly what they do but it was that or white zinfandel and booze was of the essence). I would vehemently deny I was there but the Chuck E. Cheese security camera captured this photo of Ruby and I...

...unfortunately, no barbrawls erupted at the party. And no, we did not have sex in the bathroom. What do you think we are, cheerleaders?

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